The Spring Clean

Now growing up and moving on comes with it’s own baggage. The more you stay in a place the more garbage you collect. I use garbage loosely. It could be anything really, stuff you have that you don’t need and some things that you use that you don’t need.

I’m not a hoarder. Letting go of things isn’t a drag for me. Except things of a high sentimental value which are few and far in between. I needed space in my house, so I chucked out CDs, gave away books to the library and clothes to someone who’d know what to do with them. Easy.

But seriously, there are things I hold on to that I shouldn’t. They are not material but more emotional and mental. I hold on to emotional boundaries that maybe sometimes do more harm to me than good.

I don’t forget a lot of things. Especially not conversations. Mental garbage collection. As a sufferer of erratic sleeping patterns this is not good, nor is it healthy. There are some nights when I’ll wake up and think about something so and so said, then remember something else that person said a week before, a year before, a decade before. This can go on for minutes or hours. It might make sense of something or nothing.

I hold grudges. I’ve learnt to hide this weakness. But I do. I don’t confront people who’ve lied to me. I don’t have the time or the emotional capacity to deal with the added drama of confrontations. Mental Garbage. But I will remember that you lied about A, then two days later you lied about B, then I’ll remember when you talk to me like you’ve never lied to me that I can’t rely on anything you tell me because I can remember every lie you’ve ever told me and have believed that I believed you. And you can get me angry, and I’ll most probably lose my temper and you’ll pretend it didn’t happen and I’ll pretend it didn’t happen but I’ll remember until my memory starts dimming.

And yes, I pretend quite a bit. Mental garbage. And the thing is, people don’t know when I’m doing it. The moment when my smile isn’t quite genuine. Or when I simply don’t care what they are talking about.

I can deal with a lot of things. Like paying bills on time. Getting my hair done. Returning phone calls and being there for family and friends when they really need me. But one thing I’m really bad at is dealing with all the things that go on in my head. I suppose it’s time for a clean up. And this is easier said than done and who the hell needs the drama of listing all the things that are slowing you down and listing every little thing that crosses your mind when so and so phones you to ask you for a favour.

And the “how dared she phone when she knows that she…” thought.

I always say that forgiveness if a gift you give yourself. I have mentally forgiven but I’m not a forgetful person. So as I type this, I’m thinking. Maybe some mental spring clean is in order, then I think I have hardly had coffee today. After my coffee break I have to prepare for a review session then I have a report to type then…